Apr 22 2010
I feel like I was generally a happier person back when I was living in San Diego. Even though I was a broke college student; life wasn’t exactly comfortable; there were many more things I had to worry about and stress over, but somehow I was a lot more content with life. I was able to simply be happy by myself.
Nowadays I dislike myself for my insecurity and lack of confidence, for being silly enough to get my hopes up over boys that are out of my league, for giving myself chances to get hurt, for being pathetic enough to get emotional over it. Maybe I’ve always been this way, perhaps it was just the lack of time that prevented me from realizing it. Or maybe it was because I was still young and it felt like I had all the time in the world. Only now do I feel like I had left possibilities slipping by without even knowing I would regret it.
This upcoming weekend trip to San Diego is very much appreciated, and exactly what I needed; to get away from my current self, even just for a little bit.
Apr 12 2010
Friday I got off work early, so I went up to Berkeley and watched How to Train Your Dragon with Wally, Raymond, and Justin. It was a very cute movie. Probably not good enough to be on the top movie list or anything, but certainly very enjoyable and deserved to be watched in the theater. Honestly, I really wasn’t planning on watching it at all, but Johnny kept talking about it on his tumblr and I got curious. I’m glad I watched it though. We were supposed to get dinner Wednesday night, but he totally flaked out on me. I was very disappointed ‘cause I was really hoping to hang out with him, and I was also mad at myself for getting depressed over it. He replied the next day saying he didn’t get my message and set up another time to hang out on Friday. I half-heartedly agreed but honestly I didn’t think it was going to happen. I just don’t get the vibe that he genuinely wants to hang out with me. Since I got off work early on Friday I made plan with Wally, and then he texted me about the dinner. I was tempted to head back down to south bay to go to dinner with him, but staying with Wally just seemed easier. Maybe it’s just not meant to be. Maybe next time. If it’s meant to happen, it will. I guess.
After the movie, we went over to Eric’s place to hang out. He had a little get-together and a bunch of people were over. One of his friends knows card-readings and he was giving everyone a reading. What he said about my reading totally freaked me out. The two face cards were facing each other, so the guy I was thinking about has also thought about me romantically as well, but even though I’m ready for a relationship and I’ve put my heart out there, he’s just not ready for one and there are other things he has to work out first. My prolonged interest in him has also made things a bit awkward between us. I usually don’t believe in or pay much attention to superstitious things like this, but that reads like the story of my life. I was consciously thinking about Johnny, but somehow it sounded more about Wally. I don’t know, and it doesn’t matter. This could be said about any of the boys I liked. I’m always putting myself out there; always too eager while everyone else is being reserved. Things always end up getting awkward one way or another. Or maybe it’s all in my head; maybe I just get way too sensitive over the little things.
The rest of the weekend was a good distractor though. The Davis boys organized a scavenger hunt in downtown San Francisco on Saturday. I met a lot of people there and it was fun walking around Chinatown and doing goofy missions at Union Square. Sunday night was the Mayday DNA World Tour concert. Wes, Wally, Wayne, Mason, and I all got tickets to go months ago. I think Wayne and I were the only two who were really excited about it though ‘cause we actually listen to Mayday’s music, while the rest just got dragged along by us. I was really looking forward to it, since it was my first real big concert. Even though the atmosphere and the crowd were great, it is still a bit underwhelming for me in Mayday’s standard. Perhaps I just had too high of an expectation because of all the live concert DVDs I’ve seen of them. This is a relatively small venue for them after all. I had fun though and I’m certainly glad I went.
Apr 8 2010
I kept up with my effort to focus on my friends and went down to Santa Cruz to visit Shawn last Saturday. I haven’t seen him since he first transferred to UCSC so it was nice hanging out with him again. We drove down to Capitola and stopped by my old apartment and school. It was really nostalgic seeing the place I lived in for 2 years. It brought back a lot of memories — some good, some bad. I’m generally not one who likes to look back and remember the past, since there were things I would rather forget about during that period of my life. We were talking about how we would have lived differently if we were to go back in time and relive our past while retaining our current mental state and knowledge. Of course there were certainly things I wish could be changed, but I also try not to regret them since they made me who I am and led me to where I am today.
On a side note, I got an iPad. I wasn’t planning on getting one; I was quite determined to wait for the 2nd generation after getting burnt with buying the first generation iPhone. I reserved one ahead of time for my friend in Hong Kong who asked me to get it for him since it probably won’t be available internationally for another month or two. When I went to pick it up from the Apple Store on Saturday, I started playing with one of the display units. Right then and there I knew I had to get one of my own. Just reading about the specs and actually picking one up in your own hands and using it are two different things. I know, I am a compulsive shopper. Anyway, I’ve been playing with it all week and I must say I’m quite pleased with this purchase. In fact, I just type this whole entry on the iPad lying in bed.
